Saturday, November 17, 2012

An Understanding

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have a testimony and firmly believe in our Heavenly Father's Plan of Salvation. We were sent to this Earth to be tried and tested. To endure unfathomable hardships, live through them, learn from them, and become better. After our time here on Earth, if we lived true, and were faithful to promises made to our Heavenly Father, we can return to live with Him forever. Because of his wonderful plan, we can also be with our loved ones forever. 

With the trials our family has endured over the last year, we have learned so much. We have been givien the chance to change, to become better and to find our faith in our struggles. Each of us came out of Mylah's heart diagnosis and surgeries, a different person. Me especially. I am not sure if it's because I carried her for 9 months and feel solely responsible for heart problems, or if it's because I am a deeper more emotional person than I care to admit. Through it all I tried to look for the good, to learn something, and to be molded into a better woman.

I now live with sympathy for those Momma's who's children are medically fragile. I understand their stress, pain, and heartache. I know of their longing for a cure, and total anguish at the thought that they cannot heal their precious child. I live with empathy for them and the many questions that arise when they endure days of hospital stays and are trying to understand the medical lingo that has become their second language. I understand what it means to feel broken and hopeless.

I also now live with the knowledge that these things happen for a reason, that no matter the outcome, we are meant to learn from our trials and to grow. I know we are each given what we can handle. We are each given only what Heavenly Father sees fit for us. We can become better through our struggles and help those in need. I like to believe that I have been better at searching for those in need and reaching out to help anyway I can.

I know of someone who is in need now, someone who is enduring an unimaginable trial. She is a fellow Heart Mom and is currently pregnant with her second child. After loosing her first child, a little boy named Bridger, to a heart defect, she just found out her precious unborn baby girl may share the same fate. Her daughter has HLHS, a very severe Congenital Heart Defect. HLHS babies have to endure numerous procedures and surgeries, but can live a healthy life. It's just a long hard road to get there. They are medically fragile their entire lives.

Upon finding out about her baby's diagnosis, I was sick, and my heart ached for her. I didn't understand how a loving Heavenly Father could do this to her?! She wanted to just have a healthy normal pregnancy and to carry a precious baby full term and enjoy a beautiful life with her. I questioned how he could ask her and her husband to go through this again!

Then I was reading another Mom's blog. Ani lost her little Ruby Jane to a rare liver disease. It has been a little over a year since her daugther's passing, but she continues to create awareness and carries on her legacy. She inspires me and stated something on her blog that helped me feel so much better. Speaking of enduring one heartbreak after another, she wrote:

 "Having been through the worse days of my life, I know all the pain, and suffering, and torture that comes. It is horrible to know that all those mama's and daddy's hearts will feel like mine did, and still does. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, in fact, since I know my heart and soul proved they could survive the torture, I wish I could just take it for them.

Last night I visited the temple. I was consumed in thoughts about Ruby, and these other precious babies. Tried to make sense of my year, and why I have been stripped of my child, and soon after the remnants of a normal life. I tried to make sense of it all. I asked for understanding. I asked for guidance. And I kept just thinking that it just did not make sense. I could not understand His plan.


This morning as I was vacuuming, it occurred to me that we are not suppose to understand His plan for us. We are suppose to have faith and trust and hope in Him, and that he has a divine plan for us. How could we possibly make sense of a plan that is so perfectly tailored for each of us. We have been given exactly the trials that Heavenly Father has sent our way. I think that I am slowly, being molded and refined with each trial that comes, into the woman that my Father wants me to be. He knows what I can handle. He knows the worth of my divine nature, and he knows how far I need to be stretched to become the person He knows I am, the daughter He created and loves. It doesn't lessen the pain, but what that knowledge allows moments of peace between the anguish.

As I vacuumed my way down the hall, I thought, "Who am I to tell Him, 'enough is enough'!?"  I am working on my faith. I am working on my trust. And I am working on my HOPE. Because that is all we can really do when nothing seems to be making any sense.


Understanding the reason for our trials will most likely not come in this life time. But I am confident that our Father in Heaven will make up for losses, and bless us with more than we can imagine."

She put into words what I often cannot and what I hope and wish to say to my fellow Heart Mama. Our Heavenly Father, the God of this Earth, a loving and caring personage knows us. He knows what we can endure. He will make up for our losses and bring us more joy than we can imagine. Thank you Ani for reminding me of this. Thank you for helping me to see that as much as I ache for Staci, and wish that she didn't have to go through this all again, that there is hope, and that there is happiness after trials. Heavenly Father is in control, he changes and molds us and we are better because of all we endure. 

Staci, if you read this, know that I think of you everyday, that I wish there were words to tell you how sorry I am for all you are going through. Know that no matter what God loves you. Though it doesn't feel like it right now, He loves you so much! I am praying for you, for your precious little Finleigh, and that she fights with all she has. I pray that you find the answers you seek and feel comfort in the decisions you make for your little family. Heart Hugs Mama! 

-Lara  

MRI

Today Mylah had an MRI to map out what we will do in the near future for her heart health. Currently her left ventricle is slightly ...